ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
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My patience has stretch marks.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.