The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
WTF IS THAT!
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”