Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.