*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
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Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Today’s Times
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one