My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
*puts words between two asterisks*
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I just ran a .003048K
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.