got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
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When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
This classic never gets old . . .
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!