SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
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I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.