I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
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I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair