My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
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[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
IT’S-A ME,
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.