Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
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ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.