me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
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Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.