There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
You Might Also Like
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Thanks to a fan for this one!
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
so this horse walks into a bar
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?