12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?