If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh