[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”