[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
You Might Also Like
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
WTF
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”