drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
#NoRestForTheWicked
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line