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My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?