My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
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I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Meow
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace