No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
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In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
*ernest hemingway voice*
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.