Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
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Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what