Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
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Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes