imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
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Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Breaking news:
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Spa day..😅
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”