Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
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Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk