Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
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Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My birthstone is kidney
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets