WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I think I’m having a stroke
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]