ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
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Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.