As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
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If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Donating blood today to make room for more food
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.