i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I’M CRYINGGG
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
The point of your 20s
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me