Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
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MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
o shit
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Mornin
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?