this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I’m not lazy
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.