wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
yeah no that’s fair
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.