Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
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I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Always…
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?