I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
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Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??