Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
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Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I feel it
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.