Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
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Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
forgive me baja for i have blast
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Yes, but it was never about money
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory