If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
they split up moments later
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.