I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.