Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
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Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.