Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN鈥橳 GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY鈥橲 SUGAR-FREE.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t潭r潭u潭s潭t潭 潭i潭s潭s潭u潭e潭s潭 salmonella
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I鈥檓 the person.
Me: this math stuff isn鈥檛 gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Don鈥檛 you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That鈥檚 why I do it.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 馃ぃ
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they鈥檒l take off from airporks.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don鈥檛 panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What鈥檚 the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger