Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
You Might Also Like
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
my mind
You just read my mind
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order