I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.