Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.