You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.