The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
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As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
OH. COME. ON.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.