I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it