What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later