My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
🤣😂🤣
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
What the hell is going on?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.