When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My Sentiments Exactly
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
why does this building look like a guilty dog
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.