@funTweeters I am at your service….
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I created you as mosquito food.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.